Sunday, March 7, 2010

Kendallina's LIVE 2010 Oscar Commentary

**(Correlates with Oscar Drinking Game of previous post)

7:46 – Ten bucks says Woody Harrilson really IS high.
7:48 – CGI – check, James Cameron – check, Stifling Gabourey Sidibe fat joke- check, Pretending to go off telepromter – check, Meryl Streep joke – check, Random cut to George Clooney – check check check, Steve Marin and Alec Baldwin make a joke about their movie It’s Complicated – check.
If you were playing my Drinking Game you would already be drunk just from this Intro.
7:49 – George Clooney has got to be in on this
7:50 – “I was so happy to see Penelope Slut Cruz in clothes” – Stephen H. Hacket via facebook chat
7:52 – Chrisoph Waltz was evil in FOUR languages. Duh shoe-in. HE SAID UBERBINGO!!!!!! Get it? Get it? It’s cause hes Austrian…. You know “UBER”…. GET IT???? Oh Crazy German guy. Austrian, German, whatever … this is ‘Mericuh, they might as well be the same thing.
8:01 – Steve Carell and Cameron Diaz presenting: Someone pretends to go off Telepromperter – DRINK
8:06 - Miley Cyrus … you are 17 … it is illegal for us to be looking at your boobs.
8:10 – REALLY annoyed that “Take It All” from NINE didn’t win. Stupid Crazy Heart country bumpkin crap is not as good. Marion Cotillard ruins me when I hear that song. It's every woman who gives and gives and the men who are oblivious to what they had until till it's too late.
8:27 – THE BREAKFAST CLUB REUNITED!!! I know this is a memorial … but where is the Dance Montage?? Lame lame lame lame.
8:40 - HA!! WHO IS THIS JEWISH WOMAN WHO JUST BUST IN?? Wow. She totally took the African Singing Documentary dude’s Oscar speech moment. He’s not even trying to hide the fact that he is piiiiiiiiissed. There is totally gunna be a catfight backstage. I wish anyone cared who they were so TMZ would youtube that shit.
8:43 – Ben Stiller dressed up as Avatar – Drink. Yes Ben Stiller, this was a better idea in rehearsal.
8:54 – Best Screenplay trailers ….. I zoned out because it was boring. I only tuned back in to see Precious chick run off with a big bucket of chicken……. Am I a bad person because I’m trying not to laugh…… ? Could they pick ANY other scene besides fat girl running away with a giant bucket of chicken? Seriously?
8:55 - Stifling Gabourey Sidibe fat joke – Drink.
8:56 – Writer of Precious Screenplay – Crying during speech …. Drink.
8:57 – A non-white person wins an award and we cut to a shot of someone in the audience who has no connection to the winner except being of the same race …….. Thanks MORGAN FREEMAN. …….. DRINK
9:04 – Mo’Nique wins Best Supporting Actress … shock! No one really knows what she's talking about ... but she saying it with conviction .... so .. sure.
9:06 - A non-white person wins an award and we cut to a shot of someone in the audience who has no connection to the winner except being of the same race ……. This one goes to Samuel L. Jackson …… ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN SNAKES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE!
9:11 – I think I saw Signourey Weaver’s dress on the sale rack at Dillards.
9:14 – Did Steve Martin just call Sarah Jessica Parker a whore?
9:15 – Dear SJP, Brush your hair and get a new dress. Love, Kendallina
9:17 – Charleze Theron …. Did you use the Madonna Cone Bra as an inspiration for your dress?
9:29 – Morgan Freeman is narrating the Sound Editing Montage … no one cares. But really, why DOES Morgan Freeman narrate everything? He should release The Bible as a book on tape … he’d make bank.
9:31 – The sound editing thing is still going on and I’m still bored so I Googled to see if Morgan Freeman had indeed narrated The Bible. And low and behold: Rabbit Ears Bible Stories: Volume Four: Parables that Jesus Told, The Savior is Born is narrated by Morgan Freeman and Garrison Keillor.
9:33 – The Sound Editing guy won again for Hurt Locker too? Two in a row? Still bored. Anyone else think he looks like a creepy Swedish Child Molester?
9:40 – Sandra Bullock in gold shiny dress….. (Subliminal message: PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME!)
10:12 - What's going on? Can we have a real award yet? I'm falling asleep. Where are the hosts ... can we get a joke or something?
10:23 - I think the Argentinean Director said something about Chile in Spanish? Drink?
10:37 - Jeff Bridge - Best Actor .... duh. .. yawn. They practically gave him a Lifetime Achievement award in his intro speech.
10:39 - Count that Jeff Bridges said "Man" in his speech: 3 .... He really is "The Dude".
10:41 - 4
10:50 - Hm. Oprah and Gabourey Sidibe are wearing the same color dress. I am really trying to not make a mean joke about an Oprah Diet: Before and After ... Ok that's just mean... but this shit is dragging on... now I'm just getting fiesty
10:53 - Sandy won Best Actress.... oh thank goodness... or she would feel REALLY stupid for wearing that dress.
10:56 - She's crying .... Drink.
10:58 - BABS!! The communal shriek of Old Jewish women and Gays everywhere just echoed around the world.
11:00 - Kathryn Bigelow won for Hurt Locker!! Yeah Girl Power!
11:03 - She dedicated it to Iraq soldiers .... Drink.
11:04 - HURT LOCKER won BEST PICTURE! HA! I totally called it. Splitting it with Avatar my ass. Take that James Cameron and your Avatarded 3-D Blue Smurfs on Acid and your thinly veiled political message.... Hey, you are rich as all hell and you still got Titanic ... get over it.
11:05 - I would like to point out ALL of my predictions were right. I should start betting in pools and make some money off my impeccable taste.
11:08 - Oh thank god its over. See ya next year. Well... actually I hope not... maybe I'll have a life by then.


  1. Hilarious. My personal favorite is the Morgan Freeman pic. Also that creepy Swede. Plus, I also took note of Jeff Bridges' "Dude-ness" tonight.

  2. We laughed so many times watching it with your drinking game rules. They really do cut to random people of the same race a lot. Once you realize it, it's pretty hilarious. Good job, Kendalina! Your blog is awesome!

  3. omg, I just read half of your blog posts- all are hilarious! My favorite was the red head jewish lady TOTALLY butting in on the other guy- WTF?!? And her jokes on "men vs women"?- EPIC FAIL. Sorry lady, you had 30 seconds of fame for people to maybe want to see your movie, and now all they thing is "YOU ARE CRAZY!"

  4. 1) T Bone Burnett is like oscar kryptonite...that man can do no wrong in their eyes, even though Marion Cotillard was incredible and gave a heart-wrenching and visceral performance. yes, i said visceral.

    2) the Dude does, indeed, abide.

    3) i believe the verb is "kanye" as in "wow, that crazy lady in the purple totally kanye'd that guy"

    4) Meryl Streep is amazing and even though she hasn't actually won the Oscar more than once, I'm glad they didn't give it to her for Julia Child. It was a caricature, granted a SPOT ON caricature, but a caricature nonetheless.

    5) your drinking game and predictions win.

    6) so happy about Hurt Locker. Great movie. As Carl said "shove it up your blue-tailed ass, Cameron"

    Thanks for an entertaining blog! Meghan