Saturday, March 20, 2010

Everything Is Bigger In Texas: Bienvenidos a Mega Whole Foods a Park Lane

I like food. I like overpriced, yummy, organic, pretentious food. It is a no-brainer that trips to Whole Foods are a Kendallina dietary staple. Well folks, Whole Foods has officially outdone itself. In none other than the "bigger is better" state that spawned the ostentatious organic empire, Texas....Here enters:
This beast on Park Lane is a whopping 64,000 square feet of glory. Of course I had to check it out as soon as it opened. So I took along my foodie-pescatarian-shopping buddy Mrs. Lilly Neubauer and we ventured out to explore this massive marvel of American-style gluttony for ourselves.

The first thing that strikes you (or just me and perhaps every botoxed Junior Leauger with an MRS degree in a 200 mile radius) is that there is a Wine Bar INSIDE the grocery store. Seriously. So when you are tired of picking out blood oranges grown in volcanic ash and kosher meat .... you can rest your feet at the bar for a little pick me up, catch up on who's winning March Madness on the TV, and indulge in a nice little cheese flight!

Or even better... why don't you just DRINK WHILE YOU SHOP. That's right you heard me. Just ask and you can take a roadie through the aisles. After you are sufficiently buzzed and don't feel like going all the way across Egypt to the other side of the store to return your glass.... it's cool they let you set it wherever you want. Really. 

But seriously. Whoever thought of this idea was a sales genius. What does drinking do? 
1.) Lessen your better judgement
 2.) Make you hungry
So add a little Chardonay to that shopping trip and .... "well I guess I do need this Vegan Double Chocolate Brownie Orgasm .... and 3 lbs of Lobster .... and oooh this  Cheese rubbed in coffee grounds and lavender sounds amaazzzing". The guy who decided this would be a good idea should with the Sales equivalent of the GD Nobel Prize. 

Although when I was perusing my grocery items, I'm not going to lie ... I noticed a few confused/judgmental looks. I think the newness of the store and the novelty that one would never think to turn a grocery store into a watering hole really confused some WF newbies. Hence the "Did that girl REALLY bring a her own roadie from home? Is this legal? Christ, are public intoxication laws just not enforced anymore?" looks. 

Hmm I wonder which of these Domestic Cheeses (yes this is JUST the domestic section) goes best with my Sauvignon Blanc? 

Moving on .... 


Ooooh that's right. You can pick what flavor cupcake you want, what flavor icing, and what toppings you would like. You can even have the cupcake filled with an additional shot of icing. And don't worry, all the dyes used in the Icing are 100% Vegan Organic. As the cupcake-maker-lady explained the red color comes from beets! NEATO! Lilly indulged and a pretty Carrot Cake creation.

Other impressive highlights include a large RAW BAR, a FROZEN YOGURT BAR (with fancy flavors like Acai Berry and Avocado), and the biggest OLIVE BAR I have ever seen.

Lilly indulging in Olive Bar Parto Uno

No this isn't a repeat picture, this is the 2nd half. Yes every single compartment of both sides are DIFFERENT olives. I didn't even know this many varieties existed? Too bad they don't sell Martinis at the wine bar .... 

Or perhaps you would like to fill your own bottle of specialty olive oils and balsamic vinegars from around the world? 

Mandarin Crushed Olive Oil? I don't even know what that means but I want it.

For those with diabetes, gluten allergies, or are on the latest Anti-Gluten diet craze, this store has the chains largest gluten-free section of both dry and frozen foods and even fun little Gluten-Free Life info brochures. And for you vegans out there there is a giant section of food I don't understand with clever names like "Tofurky". 

But for the rest of us that don't discriminate against eating things with faces, in true Texan style, there is an in-house smoker and BBQ pit. 

Mmmmm hot meat ..... Looks so good I don't even care if that sounds ridiculously vulgar.

Don't feel like cooking? There is a 20 foot long chef's case of gourmet prepared items and self-serve buffet areas. There are also sushi, pizza, and panini stations. And the coffee bar and taco cart will open at 7 a.m. - An hour earlier than the actual store opens ... just for the breakfast group. There is also a smoothie and juice bar that serves this weird Hippy fermented tea called Kombucha that my hipster-lite friend Lilly thoroughly enjoyed. 

All this boozing and shopping got you tired? Well freshen up at bath and body department at the DR. HAUSCHKA COSMETICS AND SKIN BAR, where you can get everything from a hand massage to an actual legit facial.
Or perhaps just load up on your favorite scented bath salts for a soak when you get home at the ORGANIC BATH SALT BAR.

I'm sure I could make a joke about Hippies and Patchouli scented salt, but I'm gunna let it slide.

Or if you are just too busy boozing and getting your facial to be bothered to actually grocery shop you can .... get ready for this:

Give your list to the CONCIERGE SERVICE and they will DO YOUR SHOPPING FOR YOU. 
I swear to god. Welcome to Dallas folks. 

As you can see Whole Foods has clearly topped itself here in Big-D. Writhe in jealousy at your lame versions elsewhere. It's America at it's best and worst all wrapped into one pretentious mega-grocery. Revel in the glory that is Mega Whole Foods. 

But whatever delightful items you decide to procure ... PLEASE stay away from the "Green Technology/All Natural" Hair Dye. Hair is not a joke people. Especially in Texas. Leave this to the chemical laden professionals. 


  1. This post had me at wine bar...I need to take a trip there ASAP

  2. I am all about this cupcake bar! Are there gluten free options?

  3. There sure are! Gluten Free AND Vegan!