"Now I know that Indiana is not the center of the fashion universe, but JORTS?! JEAN SHORTS?! They are EVERYWHERE! You are up to date with fashion trends ... please tell me they are not back. Please. God. No."
I had to sigh and concede to dear Meghan. Yes, the fashion Gods have decided ... the jean short is back. But what I suspect has happened is what usually happens when the jean short makes a foray back into the trend-o-sphere ..... there is little research on "HOW" to wear them and Soristitutes pull out their Daisy Duke cutoffs from 1999 (that were always a little too short and are more than a little too tight 10 years later) and parade them around innocently because .... they are "back in right?!?" But the end result is less Nicole Richie and more Honky-Tonk Whore.
These didn't look good on you in 8th grade and they sure as hell don't now
So as per Meghan's request, today's blog will explore the do's and don'ts of the infamous Jean Short.
HOW TO WEAR THE NEW JEAN SHORT:
Ok, there are 4 KEY factors to consider when wearing this updated summer staple
** The new short is a little baggier and a touch longer than the previous 90's Daisy Duke cutoff version. If I can see the crease where your ass meets your thigh.... they are too short.
- They are cutting into your thigh
- You have a camel toe
- You have a muffin top
Wannabe Rap Video Ho and White Trash Floozy are generally looks to "avoid"
** One of the most IMPORTANT keys to update this look to keep you from being mistaken as "A Hooker at a Tim McGraw concert" is WHAT you are pairing the shorts with. Your shorts are short, so your top should NOT be tight. Pair them with a a blousy or loose fitting shirt to balance out the fact you are showing a lot of leg.
Don't feel bad. Celebrities have Rachel Zoe to style them and tell them how to not look like cheap prostitutes.
Then again you can take the girl out of the trash .... but you can never take the trash out of the girl. To demonstrate the Tight Tank/Daisy Duke DON'T ... Ladies and Gentleman ...
MISS BRITNEY SPEARS
Oops she did it again ...
Difference: Jessica is wearing a costume portraying a White Trash character, Brit is wearing this in Real Life.
** Now we must talk about Footwear. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCE may you wear JORTS of any kind with SNEAKERS. You are not from Alabama on a family vacation at Disney World. Christ if you do this you might as well tack on a Fanny Pack.
NEVER NEVER NEVER OK
** And finally ladies... we all have different body types ... and every woman is beautiful in their own way (blah blah blah) but please.... be honest with yourself. If your thighs are .... not your "best asset".... then maybe you should leave the Jorts alone all together. I'm not saying you have to be one of those anorexic bitches who's thighs don't even touch.... but if you can't go 5 minutes without getting Chub-Rub or are unfortunately plagued with cellulite (bless your heart) ... then maybe the Jorts aren't for you. Fashion is supposed to HIGHLIGHT our best assets. A classic look that flatters you will always win over every "trend" for the rest of time. Do yourself a favor and just throw on a pretty summer dress! Ok?! .... Please....
So ..... I hope this guide has helped (some of) you ladies navigate the potential pitfalls of this season's infamous JORT trend.
PIPERLIME has a great selection of the updated jean short if you would like to peruse. My favorites are these by Joe's Jeans:
But let's be clear. It is NOT ok for men under any circumstances to ever wear Jean Shorts..... Unless you are related to these guys:
And please don't abuse Casual Friday at the Workplace ....